Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Never let your siblings swipe right.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
