My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
