Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize