Whatcha textin bout Willis?
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
