I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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