come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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