If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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