and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
