Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
