im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
