Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
