Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
