"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We smell like vodka and hangover
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
