i'm signing you up for texting rehab
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
