So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
