It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
home. puking in laundry basket.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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