We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
