I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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