Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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