There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
