sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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