i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
