He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
