i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Are my feet made of real feet?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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