Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
