That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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