I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
Randomize
