I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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