i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
