I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
