Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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