you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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