There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
