we're chasing vodka with high fives
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
