Princesses don't give blow jobs
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
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