I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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