I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize