I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
