Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
