I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
