PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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