I am midnight drunk by noon
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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