If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Randomize
