I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
