Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
