My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
