It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
