In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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