i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
