if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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