please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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