I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
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