I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
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