I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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