I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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