You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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