So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize