I would go down on you faster than GM stock
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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