We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
