What did we do last night that was yellow?
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
