Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
